Being Unhappy is Bullshit, Here’s How To Fix It

I look at a man two inches shorter than me or so. When we met each other I knew that we would get along. It’s instantaneous with me, a feeling that is more correct than ever being wrong. I’m not nervous for this practical, more like coming across someone else who does what I do.

“Are you happy with your life right now?”

The question is so simple, yet so probing into the deep unrest within me. The fact I need to be out of what I’m in right now. That I need to make enough money to be financially free and not scraping into my savings I’ve accumulated.

I’m frustrated, deeply so, that the place I’ve spent so many years with refuses to see what an asset I am to them.

I give, and give, until I’m depleted to my bone marrow.

I miss my brother and our relationship we used to have. How he was my partner in crime, how he and I get along so well and easily. The brother and sister trips we used to do together. The adventures he and I always got into even when we were little kids. That make believe Place, ‘The Indian Mounds’ where we’d take our bikes, climb up railroad tracks, and travel into the unknown back of Suburbia.

This wasn’t Suburbia where we went to, but uncharted and undeveloped land next to our small town clone homes. I fell down a lot and scraped my knees constantly. My shirts were torn by wild twigs and trees. Yet, some of the best years of my childhood was escaping with my brother into this one unknown place together.

Now I keep him at arms length because anything I say will be passed to family members. I don’t need them to know what my life is. Because they enjoy my misery too much, and I just don’t need them in my life when they don’t add anything to it.

I can’t and won’t mourn the relationship I’m ready to shed like a snake ridding itself of its dead skin. There’s been so much of me spent on it, trying to make them happy, pandering to their needs while I give up my own. They become more and more insecure as I branch out and allow myself to have friendships. There are people in my life I’m happy I let them in.

They tell me they want me to be what I was, which was completely and absolutely being dependent upon them. I can’t and won’t, because I’m not that person anymore. I don’t ever want to be that person, because she was too scared of the world to live in it.

She was content to look at it through the glass window of her enclosure. Never trusting herself to feel what freedom actually tasted, and the sensation of it filling her lungs. Taking in finally that oxygen she’s been depleted for so long.

This man is staring at me. I kind of pause and want to say yes because I’m supposed to. In my career? I could be better, I need to make more money and even more importantly affect more people because of what I do.

“No, I’m not happy. I can’t be effective at what I do if I don’t see the people to do it, if I’m sitting on my hands.”

I keep my personal life private as I focus on my career. This is why I met him, I’m taking different angles at my career that I never would. What I’m doing now is a huge leap of faith, trust, and a giant leap into the unknown. But, I’m willing to do it because I need to make major changes in my life.

I can’t be stagnant anymore, I refuse to. I can’t be shouting at the sky I’m not making enough when I’m not trying different approaches.

I’ve had interviews and recently was rejected for one after giving not one, but two practicals. You gotta be for fuck kidding me, and so my ego was bruised and injured. Luckily, a friend of mine knew of my process and called me up that day.

Their name lit up on my phone as I formulated a text to them. It put an immediate smile on my face.

“Hey, so how’s MD doing?”

I heard his voice in my head and it was like a lifeline being thrown to me. My breath sucked in and released with a deeply felt sigh. I was wallowing in my own self inflicted misery.

“I’m not so much kicking ass. I feel… feel like a new student which this shit.”

“Well, we gotta get MD back to being herself.”

I start laughing because he’s hilarious. Our brains follow the same pattern system. We are those types of people where we tell people to keep up with our thought process. We get the same references and wear the same mask. He and I talk because our silences scare people too much.

So, we put on the constant jester outfit even though what we are is intrinsically more complicated and complex than just that. He’s been a constant in my life and path encouraging me to be as badass as I proclaim to be. This friend probably knows that my confidence is something I’ve fought to have because it’s been anything but for most of my life.

I’ve never been happier than what I am right now. I amaze myself every day what I have accomplished and continue to do.

I’ve never been so dissatisfied with how I’ve entangled myself in something that doesn’t serve me. A relationship where people keep telling me that person pulls me down. And I kept pretending it wasn’t happening.

Where they tell me I don’t have to need money because they’d rather me depend upon them. To have full control over me and my life. I’m not a woman to sit around and I am a workaholic to the core of my DNA. I love my career and I’m back in it against all odds.

I was afraid I’d never walk again without pain and be restricted to only a mile every day. That the residual whispers of neurological nerve pain would mean I’d give up everything. And that especially meant being able to do my incredibly physical profession.

There’s very few times in my life where someone has asked me that question of whether I’m happy in my life. This is not a small talk Question, it is a deep, reflective one. Where you look inside yourself and really search for what the answer is.

I’m not happy where I’m at right now. But, I think I might know how to get where I should be at.

I think that there should always be a little bit of unrest within our souls. This unrest causes us to push our bodies, hearts, to explore the world even more. If we are perfectly satisfied all the time why would we ever change? The change I’ve done and the evolution of my core is beautiful. I don’t know that person from five years ago before I moved.

I love her just as fiercely, but who I am this year I can’t even begin to express how many ledges of the unknown she’s leaped over. And, each time she keeps landing on her feet like a cat. Maybe a little scuffed up by the experience, like being rejected by the one job. But, she always finds a new way to leap better and more effectively from that first fall.

My advice is to keep falling, and don’t ever stop.

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I'm unapologetically me with a hard edged view of life. I love to travel and have crazy amounts of fun spaced between quiet moments.