Bumble Fuck Virtual City

The Tinder-like app that makes it the woman’s prerogative to make the first move.

4 min readAug 18, 2017

Bumble, a little app bee that flutters its wings and gives you things. You may want to give them back when your swiped is like guess who has the biggest dick ever… me. Wanna see it?

I discovered this newest app thanks to meeting these two guys at one of the many events I go to by myself. He was saying it’s like Tinder, yet women take the initiative for it. Color me fascinated this shit sounds interesting. I’ve been out of the online anything mode for years, almost a decade. So, I’ve been curious about this shit.

First things first it wanted me to have a Facebook account. Fuck that, but yet again, curiosity compels me for a lot of things. I made one, friendless and I’m keeping it that way. If you want me, need me, text me, don’t go through a website designed to accumulate more and more people.

Pictures are a set of six that you can display. I guess the system is exactly like Timber with Swipe right meaning ‘Nah’ and Swipe left meaning ‘Ya.’

Or whatever the fuck system it is, I’m digitally delinquent. I thought I had Medium’s ❤️ figured out and then they turned it to 👏. Which I think we all agree sucks and turn that shit back, please and thank you Medium Staff Medium. I love this outlet but that was… bad, bad decision that you gave us all the clap. Extensive amounts of clap now to show appreciation for a piece is not a good invention.

But I digress, I sent a few people messages focusing on their profiles and what they mentioned.

  • Like traveling, where would you like to go to?
  • So you like museums, which one is your favorite?

I was inherently excited because I can find women that swing both ways. My radar for picking up chicks is nonexistent so I need an app for that. When it comes to men? Less so, but I always love the opportunity of meeting more guys. I’ve always jived with them, but I get why women are saying to themselves ‘fuck this game.’

I get a response from this one guy. I know it’s probably trouble when he says ‘hello beautiful, how’s your night going?’

Flattery will always get you nowhere with me.

I tell him about my dancing at this event. He goes into, immediately whether a good dancer equals good sex. I waffle with this, legit thinking yes but not with two step. Country dancing does not count since hip movements are minimal.

“What are you looking for in Bumble?”

Well, honest truth is social experimentation with a woman who loves psychology and social psychology. I answer with the other truth and meeting other people outside my 62 hour work week.

“Nothing too serious, just meeting new people.”

I respond, easy, simple, not complicated.

“I’m here for sex, are you interested in that?”

This Legit Happened…

Well, huh, I say he got straight up about it fast. And, I tell him my guy sex is pretty good right now. Though, their schedules are a little screwy all over the place. It’s mainly maybe adding to my guy friends. And meeting some new people.

“Are they good at sex though?”

Whoosh, well, some of the best sex I’ve had in my life! I think this throws him off. But not off enough to claim that he has the biggest dick I’ll ever see. I coin up this response and then decide to not send and let him be:

‘I’d highly doubt that. Ha, I gotta say they are fuck all impressive. Like jaw drop holy shit eyeballs pop, lol.’

We fall into a Bumble stalemate.

This shit is interesting, and there is a difference between the texts I receive from guys in person and through this app are quite the contrast. Guys I’ve met in person never text like this, they’re actually quite shy. Maybe because I’m highly intimidating in person and scare people 99.9% of the time.

This guy is bold, maybe thinking I’m a sex bot sent to service him exclusively. Cue laughter right about here.

So, I still need more data with this. But, if anything, it tickles my sense of humor and with my quick wit I could make a few people cry on here.

You’re a causality if you think you can get me to drop my virtual pants at ‘wanna fuck?’

Nah, got lots of that going on… but go Fish. Or, in this case, go BumbleFuck.




I'm unapologetically me with a hard edged view of life. I love to travel and have crazy amounts of fun spaced between quiet moments.