Fair Weathered Friendship

I think every friendship is this type in some way or form. We say words like ‘I’ll always be there for you’ with those chances to be that lifeline blurring on by. It’s not all the friendship maker’s fault, it’s human nature not to reach out in times of need.

Or maybe it’s just in my nature not to. I prefer to bunker down like a Groundhog waiting for Winter to be over. Winter being my depression and general anti-social tendencies.

There’s this face someone makes when you tell them the truth of how you really are. I came from an upbringing that you never really admitted what was really going on. Humor was used as a mask to wear constantly, like a jester outfit you could never remove even if it was necessary. Real emotions, intense ones, were shown in an implosion and then we pretended it never happened.

Papers flying, objects being thrown, doors being slammed and echoing with their angry intention. Hands shoving while your voice screamed so loud it hurt.

I partied hard recently, dancing the night away. Everyone seemed to enjoy the entertainment I provided them. Dancing for me is the way to stop feeling awkward. It’s a way to not talk, and to feel the music and bind with it instead of social pleasantries. There was a girl who was a part of the group I was in saying how I was her new friend. Because I was fun.

She didn’t know my history. She didn’t know anything about who I was except I was unselfconsciously dancing. People want me to be their new ‘friend’ because I make them laugh. I do this as a coping mechanism from a jacked up life. I enjoy making people laugh, but I also know my humor is my safety. It keeps everyone away from the deeper parts of me that would corrode if anyone dared to touch it.

Superficially understanding someone is so much easier. Being vulnerable leaves your insides open for exposure. And once you’re exposed, and someone touches that layer within your armor, it burns. The intensity of someone getting within your heart isn’t something you easily heal from.

Especially when someone is careless with your internal makings. It’s safe if you keep your insides protected, but then you never experience anyone else’s world.