How I’ve Never Felt Safe Until Now

Having a fucked up childhood will do that to you

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A visceral reaction rocks me to my bones and marrow of being. It slides into my psyche like one of those earworms you just can’t shake.

I’ve never felt safe in my life until just recently.

I don’t know how to comprehend this at times. It’s like something so surreal that it slaps me out of nowhere with the combined realization of all you’ve ever really known is fucked up shit. The comfort is disarming and alarming at times when I slide into this ease of existence.

Like everything might implode because as a child being at peace was not okay. Everything was volatile and likely to combust if I dared to exhale too loudly. I made sure to not exist too much, to fall into line so that I wouldn’t be hurt physically or mentally. As an adult I thought I escaped this but my previous relationships beg to differ. Cycles repeat cycles, until this moment I’m in.

In this moment I talk about all manners and things of my life with one of my closest friends. It’s one of those nights of intellectual connections being made while time ceases to exist. Their children sleep in the next room without a peep of sound. My best friend cradles her baby and rocks back and forth on the recliner chair. I kid with them how civilized they…