How I Was Always Sex Personified
How to not struggle with your sexual need and to accept it
It’s Christmas Day and the bitter cold penetrates the windows. A sweatshirt is bundled tight around my body. My puffy jacket is off to the side. All that could go wrong is going wrong with this adventure of meeting my parents. My mother has told the stories of how she couldn’t stand me as a child and how now she can barely tolerate me now.
“She’s very sexual,” my mother says to the man across from her.
Her words slur together. Her cheeks flush bright red with the alcohol in her system. I swear she just waggled her eyebrows at us. He sits with me at the dinner table. We’re doing the whole holiday introductions with things and it is a special sort of failure.
I know this is the time to snatch the wine bottle from her. I attempt to, only to have her be quicker than me. She cradles the bottle like a newborn babe.
I am mortified and spend the rest of the night replaying my mother’s words like a bad cinema reel. That man became an ex years later and he always accused me of wanting sex too much. Wanting affection, touch, and everything just too frequently to be satisfied or satiated.
It wasn’t a secret in my family that my first relationship was a girlfriend in third grade. Though my parents, mainly my mother, liked to lessen the degree of it by saying I was ‘experimenting.’ Through every relationship I have been too much with my appetites. I want it too frequently, I’ve been accused of only desiring sex.
My sexual appetite with myself was hard to satisfy. With my less than ideal childhood it was my escape into feeling somewhat good about myself. No one ever talked to me about masterbation, about sex, it was a sort of figure it out for yourself type of thing to experience.
I have come to realize, accept, and embrace that I tend to be sex personified. The most amazing thing is that I have found a partner that not only satisfies, enjoys, and explores this side of me. But they love and nurture it as well, the woman who could never be satiated is. I’m always wanted and desired which is an incredible feeling to have.