I Love Women But I Don’t Know How To Date Them
I don’t know how to find women who want to date or are interested in dating. My first relationship was with my girlfriend and we found each other through sheer luck and chance. My second girlfriend was the same situation, years later in junior high school.
As an adult I don’t know how to tell women who are interested in dating and I have a tragic luck scenario of always having crushes on straight women.
I downloaded an app called Her which is highly recommended for Queer relationships. Already a woman pops up on my screen and it says “she’s only a mile away from you!” I think of how easy it is to find what I’m searching for through an app versus real life.
I’d prefer any relationship to just naturally occur through meeting someone out in the wilds, also known as the real world. Every relationship I’ve had has been serendipity of finding them and I only have one that happened because of a dating app. I have an uncanny ability to meet people and strike up a conversation and end up with phone numbers without trying.
But finding someone like me and dating women seems a lot more tricky. I was once called a baby gay and I found this interesting because I’m not new to this. I am new to my family knowing that I’m out and as my mother puts it I just need to never tell “the boys” meaning my father or brother. So I’m out, but told not to share this information with them because they “won’t get it.”
My girlfriend was never held to the same standards as men I dated. And it was known we were together and once this was found out we were separated from each other to prevent this from happening again. My second relationship I made sure to keep us secret and my family never found out. But it seems like relationships with men are held to a higher standard than those where I date my same sex.
My mother says that she “loves gay people” but I think this means anyone who isn’t family. She says she is accepting but has pushed me into every relationship with a man until my last one.
I feel automatically overwhelmed by the engagement of an app. I have almost a dozen likes or interest in my profile and I think of the variables of things. I prefer a relationship being a friendship first as a good foundation, but I feel overwhelmed if I make the wrong decision. Combine that I’m neurodivergent and my mental illness and I see myself as less than a catch.
I don’t know how to flirt and prefer to be blunt. I don’t know what this world looks like and overall I just feel overwhelmed by the prospect of it. But I’ve gone too many years ignoring my queerness and ending up in a straight presenting relationship. I feel like this is the time to finally pursue what I could be with embracing fully who I am and what I like.