I Think I’m Broken And Is That Okay?
We can’t piece this back together again
I’ve been a fractured person for most of my life. I’ve had some traumatic things happen and just found out within a year I have PTSD, Autism, and probably other things hiding just waiting for me to find out. It takes me a long time to trust and even longer to allow someone intimacy with me.
Intimacy is one of my biggest fears in life. The other is getting lost and not finding my way back. When I was younger I got lost continually and had several situations where I couldn’t find my way back. I think that’s when I experienced my first panic attacks, though I didn’t know what they were then.
Because of writing vulnerability has become of my strengths in my writing as well as “rawness.” But, in person, just meeting me, I’ll probably have some walls up and an amazing sense of humor to deflect any and all situations.
For a long time I used my sense of humor to show people I was okay. To make them feel better since this was my job when I was younger. I would caretake my parents and placate them to keep them from fighting. I would vanish into walls and try to not be there if they got angry at me. I would be silent, always. Because if I tried to retaliate it wouldn’t look good for me in the end.
