I Think I’m Broken And Is That Okay?
I’ve been a fractured person for most of my life. I’ve had some traumatic things happen and just found out within a year I have PTSD, Autism, and probably other things hiding just waiting for me to find out. It takes me a long time to trust and even longer to allow someone intimacy with me.
Intimacy is one of my biggest fears in life. The other is getting lost and not finding my way back. When I was younger I got lost continually and had several situations where I couldn’t find my way back. I think that’s when I experienced my first panic attacks, though I didn’t know what they were then.
Because of writing vulnerability has become of my strengths in my writing as well as “rawness.” But, in person, just meeting me, I’ll probably have some walls up and an amazing sense of humor to deflect any and all situations.
For a long time I used my sense of humor to show people I was okay. To make them feel better since this was my job when I was younger. I would caretake my parents and placate them to keep them from fighting. I would vanish into walls and try to not be there if they got angry at me. I would be silent, always. Because if I tried to retaliate it wouldn’t look good for me in the end.
I’ve worn broken not with shame but rather just knowing to go through hell and back you don’t get through it without scars. And most of them aren’t visible to others. That I can work on myself every day, pick apart the stuff I need to make better in me, but I’ll always have my experiences I’ve lived waiting for me.
I don’t want my mental illness as a scapegoat
They say the past is in the past. But, if you have PTSD the past is right next to you with the right triggers. I don’t want to use mental illness as a scapegoat, as a thing that stops me. Because I won’t be stopped from anything that I’m passionate about or love to do.
But I can’t deny there’s a bit of shatter to me I tape back together every so often. That my emotions aren’t easy to navigate or handle. I’m just trying to love more than I have and open up more because I know I can handle this world alone, but I don’t want to anymore.