I think people are afraid to say they read your form of porn

I see you reading and not reacting, and it’s me too

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

The internet became my sex education as a pre-teen. Being raised in a private Christian school, we weren’t allowed to talk about sex, evolution, or science, for that matter. I don’t think we even had a science curriculum, which was what Bible class was every morning.

When I found the internet, I became more of a deviant than I already was.

You know, fucking my girlfriend in private Christian school bathrooms and all that like, you had to learn the internet would set me free.

I know people read your porn and are too embarrassed to comment, like, or show. They never even found it.

Guess what? I got you, and I am you. I’ve done this before.

I remember my favorite BDSM series on this writing website I joined when I was about fifteen. I couldn’t believe what the author was writing about was even real. I couldn’t even think I could access the series of Molly and the crazy shit she got into as a submissive anytime, anywhere.

Well, anywhere after my parents went to sleep, of course.

I found actual words for what I naturally did: edging, pain play, dominance and submission, restraint, blindfolding, and more.

I remember sharing a poem about how I was bullied in the third grade for being gay, and someone commented on the poetry that they couldn’t believe I knew that about myself at that young. They seemed to pity me for it being “too young to know that.”

You know you’re straight, but a little queer kid can’t say something is considered “wrong” in this straight-presenting world when they start getting bullied in preschool?

When I found the kinky text online, I felt like I was being winked at beyond the screen. I felt seen. I still hadn’t found anything media-wise or text-wise to show a girl-on-girl relationship as being okay, seeing my girlfriend and me, and being affectionate under heavy jackets.