Loving yourself isn’t enough and this is why
I had everything I wanted except making enough in my career to help out with the love I had. I had friends across the world and made so many new friends, a career that was always my passion, and was branching out into a new field. I was in therapy and doing all I could to better myself, communicate more efficiently, realize my triggers and push past what trauma has done to me.
When you have it all and it still falls apart
It seems like when you have everything something will fall apart. Generally it’s my health, hypothyroidism, my heart condition, or something new they found out about me. Instead, it was the person who was the love of my life leaving me.
I wasn’t prepared even if there was a part of me knowing the patterns. How they leave the relationship emotionally before physically. That distance I felt that was growing. And so I buckled down and made sure to open up more time to spend with my person in an effort to bridge the gap.
The gap was already a gorge. Instead of the spiral of I’ll never be loved and this is what broken is consuming me I did something else. I didn’t inherently blame myself and tell myself that I am an unlovable being. Because the truth was I never loved myself as much as I did in this point in my life.
Loving myself isn’t enough to keep them
That’s probably what shook me the hardest about them leaving was that I’ve never quite been as okay with myself as now. I love a lot of things about myself, always loved myself out loud but now we’re screaming out into the furthest reaches of a room. I am trauma born and lived through abuse, homelessness, and so many things but I still love who I am.
When I told others what happened they said the constant of everyone, “you can use this time to love yourself.” I corrected them every time, because I do love myself more now than ever. I’m happy and content in my own company. I’ve always had an ability to see some good in a person and now that just grew even more. Things that did bother me don’t, and maybe this is why when I went back to my original field of career it feels easier.