The Queer Girl Who Couldn’t Make Friends

Insecure Friendships As A Kid And How Scared You Are Not To Be Loved

Photo by courtney coles on Unsplash

I didn’t have many friends when I was younger. One friend was, of course, a next-door neighbor, and I remember her visiting another friend who was also in our neighborhood.

I remember the feeling of crawling fire ants on my skin that had infiltrated my stomach. I remember worrying if this friend that my friend was visiting would replace me.

I got on my tiny bike, rode over to my friend visiting that friend’s house, and stood outside it. I don’t know why I was there. I never asked them to come out or see me; it’s like I got on my bike to ride and made it an excuse to ride by there as well as every cul-de-sac we had.

I remember in my head that she never saw me again. She decided this person was better than me because she was. I wasn’t meant to have and keep friends, and so I catastrophized in my head and never told a soul all of this world-destroying going on at the age of eight.

I was eight years old, and I was having panic attacks that I didn’t know were called this until I became an adult and started to hear more about psychology.

As the years went on, I became more distant from friends. I collected fewer friends and kept them more at…