Caring and Compromise
I reach out only hearing a dial tone
Just tell me you’re okay
I call again a number that I know this man on the other side won’t pick up. It doesn’t bother me, I know he’s probably overwhelmed. There’s a part of me falling into deeper worry if he got through this Hurricane okay. I just want to know if he’s safe and that this storm didn’t screw him over.
It doesn’t help that his career is a dangerous one. Every time he goes into work he puts his life on the line. But, that’s just the type of person he is and part of the reason why I admire him.
There’s a rare picture I took of the last time we were together. It was snapped without his knowledge after he threw his bowling ball and he caught me with my iPhone pointed towards him.
His head bows just so with this undeniable, infuriatingly sexy smirk on his face. Full lips pull up and his brown eyes are downcast, but you can see the grin. It says everything, ‘I see you wanted to capture this moment and I find that cute.’
My teeth bite into my bottom lip. I try not to look at this one photo I have because I know what it’ll do to me. And that’s exactly what I don’t want anything to do to me.
I feel something, though I’m not quite sure what it is. Where normally all I want to is feel pleasure, enjoy it, but keep myself as free as ever. Freedom is my most craved, my most sacred thing to me. The last thing I want is to tie this man to me, or for him to do the same to me.
It’s why I enjoy the fact that we meet and then we don’t talk for awhile because of his hectic schedule. It gives me time to recoup from the anxiety I felt meeting him again. That I thought I could purge already.
I’m aware I like him, this enigma of a man, but it’s not just because he absolutely blows my mind and world sexually. It’s also not because he is one of the most attractive men that seems to like and enjoy me too.
Why I might like you like this
The reason is that I care for him. One of the reasons is he loves his family, so terribly much, but they say they’re constantly disappointed in him. For the career path he’s taken, and it’s the same for me. We have the same unbreakable love for our families even though we’re never enough. We’re never doing what they want us to do.
He is so much more than physical to me. There’s his intelligence attached to a quirky nature and layers of self. The list goes on, so I’m happy he isn’t as available as some can be. We admit to each other, and agree, that we are good people. He is the first of his kind I’ve ever met, someone that refuses to be categorized.
He has so much fucked up shit he’s gone through I can’t even imagine how he’s gotten through it. His body has physical scars from being a soldier. Yet, he’s one of the best souls I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.
The phone rings repeatedly and I expect the voicemail to tell me it’s filled to capacity and to hang up. Instead, it beeps for me to leave a message.
“Oh my god, I can actually leave a voicemail. Are you okay? Did the hurricane flood your home or is that okay too? Just give me a call whenever you’re able. I just hope you’re safe.”
I mean every word and hang up. I feel the worry festering within me like gangrene dissipate slightly. He’s alive since his voicemail was cleared and I’m just happy with that knowledge.
Opening my closed heart
I know what I feel for him, this care and the fact I do like him. It doesn’t scare me with this knowledge, and I’m only happy that my heart is open to feel this for other people. It’s been closed for most of my life for fear of being hurt and what they could do to me.
After surviving all this, I know that relying on more people is not a sign of weakness. They all reach out to me through this to help me in any way, any shape possible.
And I know he’s aware, on some level, that I care for him. He processes things just like me, by going underground and coming back up when you’re okay again. It’s why I don’t talk to anyone on the phone and just reassure them I’m still alive. I tell them I’m just surviving day by day right now.
I just want for this Hurricane to not have affected him like it did me. That he is as safe as he can be from all this devastation and destruction.