When You Have Loved So Few And How To Love More

I have loved so few in the vastness of my life

Photo by Maria Teneva on Unsplash

I have loved so few within the vastness of living. I know why this is true and don’t even deny it: I was too scared to be hurt to love too greatly. Within this tough outer core of a body, legs that can handle ten miles plus and dancing for hours, a body that fights exhaustion and never sleeps out in public, there is a sensitive softness underneath how tough I look.

I can be hurt so quickly if I decide to love you immensely.

I made the mistake of doing this, loving without restriction, without an idea it might end because I believed this person’s lie that they wouldn’t leave me. I believed the lie they wrote that they would love me infinitely and still find a way to love me longer than that.

Then they planned an escape from me, from our life, and told me after who knows how long of a decision to leave had been made, and they just stayed to ensure they were secure.

I don’t blame them for leaving, but I’m also over-blaming myself for the full responsibility they wanted to give me.

I’ve noticed a pattern that I do and have done most of my life: I will try to handle things on my own and figure a way through something without ever mentioning my struggle. This…