When You Have Loved So Few And How To Love More

I have loved so few in the vastness of my life

MentalDessert

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Photo by Maria Teneva on Unsplash

I have loved so few within the vastness of living. I know why this is true and don’t even deny it: I was too scared to be hurt to love too greatly. Within this tough outer core of a body, legs that can handle ten miles plus and dancing for hours, a body that fights exhaustion and never sleeps out in public, there is a sensitive softness underneath how tough I look.

I can be hurt so quickly if I decide to love you immensely.

I made the mistake of doing this, loving without restriction, without an idea it might end because I believed this person’s lie that they wouldn’t leave me. I believed the lie they wrote that they would love me infinitely and still find a way to love me longer than that.

Then they planned an escape from me, from our life, and told me after who knows how long of a decision to leave had been made, and they just stayed to ensure they were secure.

I don’t blame them for leaving, but I’m also over-blaming myself for the full responsibility they wanted to give me.

I’ve noticed a pattern that I do and have done most of my life: I will try to handle things on my own and figure a way through something without ever mentioning my struggle. This frustrates the people I love and gives them only half a look at me, the part that solves the problem, the part that finally comes across a solution. I don’t allow anyone to help me. I don’t know how to be helped.

When I love again, I learn not to give things away so easily.

I find myself trying to be more honest about my struggles, though. I sent a message that I wrote, rewrote, deleted, then wrote again and sent that a day was tough for me. I’m struggling with finding another job and how I keep sending things out but not hearing back for interviews. I try to let them see the process of me being rejected for something rather than just excluding ever talking about it and pretending it never happened. Because while I get back up from failure, I hate someone knowing that I was excited about something, and it fell through. I hate that I can still be rejected in my field even though I have incredible confidence in it and the most experience that…

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MentalDessert

I'm unapologetically me with a hard edged view of life. I love to travel and have crazy amounts of fun spaced between quiet moments.