When You’re Told The False Tale Of You’re Too Much

My family has always tried to find someone to give me away to no matter the consequences

MentalDessert

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

My family has always tried to find someone to pass me to. They didn’t want the responsibility, the burden, the money spent, or the time to “deal with me” and what a sensitive being I was. I was told multiple times that if I just got over the softer side of myself, if I wasn’t such a weak little thing, then maybe I could not be affected by what was being said or done to me.

That it was all my fault for feeling more and allowing them to hurt me as they saw fit; I was only needed if I was useful to them.

If I wasn’t valuable, they needed to find me a husband who would “take care of me,” and then I couldn’t complain if this partnership was incredibly wrong and abusive; that was just what the marriage was. You married, and then you put up with how badly they treated you.

I was coached to parrot a memorized script of “I’m so sorry I’m too much. Thank you so much for putting up with me.”

But in this coaching, I also saw how my mother never apologized, not once, not even when she should. The pride behind her even when my family made so little money. The pride she had to be respected no matter the status or class of the people she met, that if they had a problem, they didn’t have to know us or be around us anymore.

I think back on my life, and there are so few instances of actually being given a compliment in my family. We loved the backhanded comments, the strike downs, and the knocking someone down to see them drag themselves back up. Or if we did enough to make them finally crumble.

When I tell people I can be exceptionally horrible and could destroy so quickly, they smile at me and say they can’t imagine it.

But I can; I’ve been trained to. I know how to understand the weaknesses of others and how to cut them down with a quick, sharp-edged tongue. Mine was never fast enough; mine never struck, and I’d be frozen by any comeback until about a month later when it came to me.

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MentalDessert

I'm unapologetically me with a hard edged view of life. I love to travel and have crazy amounts of fun spaced between quiet moments.