“My friends say that when I fall in love I’ll change. I’ll stop being so stubborn.”
I hear my friend on the other side of the phone. My feet pause as I tilt my head to the side. I don’t consider them to be that stubborn, but I’m born from a family of bull heads.
“You’re not that stubborn. I’m not getting this, give me an example.”
I’ve heard this discussion before where he’s had women ask him to change. Which, change is something that someone does of their own free will without outside forces. Or, at least I feel that this is the way it should be done. If you choose to have a friendship, or relationship with someone than you accept all of who they are. You should appreciate and love them for all the great things and their little nuances that make them who they are.
“Like I hate onions…”
“So, do I, alright, keep going,” I interject with a laugh.
“And I’ll never eat them, but if I meet someone I fall in love with I’ll end up trying them and liking them. So, they’re saying if I fall in love then I’ll try all these new things.”
To change or not to change?
I maul over this strange way of thinking. I’m a rather picky eater and I’ve had people throughout my entire life try to, literally, force food I will not eat in my mouth. While I make sure to spit it back at them for their attempts.
I shift my foot from one side to the other and rub my chin. He and I are both two strong willed, stubborn, and forceful personalities. It’s what drew me to him in the first place was his ability to keep up with my foul mouth and my quick wit. I know that he is constantly working and has a limited amount of free time. He’s a random person and someone who can think a thousand different thoughts all at once. He’s also incredibly perceptive, something that fascinates and frustrates me at the same time.
It fascinates me since I’m the most difficult person to read. But, I find it easy to read others. It frustrates me because he can use his perception to guess what I’m thinking. He misses the mark when I’m careful to wear my unreadable mask, but he’s quite effective. And calls me out every time I emotionally shut down because he stepped too close to my psyche.
Falling in Love
I’m brought to the few times I’ve fallen in love. It’s been once in my life, though I’ve had crushes here and there, that’s a rare event too. I’m too fiercely independent and I hate to relinquish that in a relationship. And, the thing is that relationships are work to maintain and they may still be breaking apart at the seams. While infatuation is just fun until you decide you’re bored and move on.
I don’t let anyone close enough to me to ‘figure me out.’ My friend admits that he has a hard time understanding how my mind works. That I’m something unique, someone that is hard to figure out. Somehow I end up in friendships with people who are easily bored and move on to the next best thing. I guess it’s a perfect fit for someone who emotionally distances herself from everyone.
I think that if love changes you it should be the best version of yourself. But, someone shouldn’t ask a friend, lover, or partner to morph into something else. Our patterns for who we are tend to be created from our own childhood. I’m more than aware that my fucked up upbringing means that I distance myself from others. I will run away from someone before I will ever depend upon them in my life.
It’s a battle against myself, and my stubborn nature makes me certain of what I like. This also includes who I enjoy, and I will never give the gift of my time to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
The General Consensus
I think about the guy friends I’ve collected and that matter to me. They all have friendships with women that may step over that friendship line. Yet, they have very few girlfriends throughout their relationship life. My life only has a few boyfriends, and only two that I’ve held onto. Once I decide the relationship is over it’s like the person is dead to me. I never contact them again and it’s easy for me to sever those ties and never go back. I don’t play the game of ‘it could have been different and I want to return to that relationship.’ My exes had an influence in my life but once we are done there isn’t any need to look back on things.
I imagine that there are people who lose themselves when they fall in love. That they morph into another creature that is unrecognizable compared to who they were before. I just don’t think that my friend will ever be that person to change into something because of ‘falling in love.’ And, I don’t think this is a bad thing that they stubborn with who they are.
To fall in love for most people is a easy thing. A release of endorphins and oxytocin makes sure that we become addicted to this new person like a drug. It’s the keeping that love alive that’s the hard part.
You made it to the bottom… yay. If you dig this, ❤️️ it! Please and cupcakes. (Or… that’s what they tell me to do at least.)